In Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book "Death and Dying", the term "preparatory grief" is used to describe how the terminally ill patient prepares himself for his/her departure from the living world. Today, the term "anticipatory grief" is used to describe the mourning that occurs before the actual death or in anticipation of an impending death.
Whereas, preparatory grief involves the patient themselves, anticipatory grief involves both the dying and those close to them. Anticipatory grief is percieved of those things lost by death, namely, the loss of the loved one and that of life itself. Anticipatory grief involves life from the past, present and that of the future for both the patient and their loved ones.
In anticipatory grief the life of the patient and their family is re-examined; the closeness of relationships, life accomplishments and the anticipation of missed family events. It is preparing for a life-changing event that affects every aspect of one's life.
Anticipatory grief is a multitude of emotions that can swing back and forth, in different directions or come at you all at once. It is emotions that can vary from intense and conflicting to guilt and shame. It is the feeling of helplessness to change the inevitable for those grieving the impending loss. For the loved one, it can be surreal, the feeling of not being ready to let go of their life.
Anticipatory grief can strengthen the bond between the patient and loved ones, particularly in siblings. The impending loss frequently intensifies the attachment to the dying person, causing an increase in concern for what they should or shouldn't do to comfort them. In contrast, anticipatory grief is a time for the gradual release of the dying person; saying "good-bye", "I love you", or "I forgive you".
This period of grief before death is beneficial in preparing one emotionally and is a time to resolve old issues. The one concern is that the dying person may experience too much grief, causing social withdrawal and detachment. They may have thoughts about life after death. They may even imagine what their loved ones life is going to be like without them after they are gone. Anticipatory grief is hard work and unpredictable.
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Smiling Through the Tears by Harriet Hodgson. The journey of anticipatory grief is long and hard, sometimes harder than post-death grief because we are always on the alert, never knowing when death is to occur. Because the chronically ill are being kept alive longer, there is a rise in anticipatory grief. And with very little written on the subject, the author has devoted an entire book on it. Anticipatory grief can take power over us. Since most people are not familiar with the term, it is important to understand what it is. The author addresses how to prepare yourself mentally, how to face reality, to build a support system, safeguarding documents, making arrangements and how to prepare for a new life without your loved one. The book is compassionate and even humorous.
Reader Review
. . . this book shows me where I am in the process of grief and acceptance. I highly recommend this book for those whose parents are aging or has a chronically ill friend or relative.
Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. This insightful book was written by two hospice nurses with the gift of listening. Because many find it difficult to communicate with loved ones who are dying, with helpful tips, this book addresses ways to initiate dialogue. Written for the needs of both loved ones and those facing death, messages of the dying fall into two basic categories: attempting to describe what the dying is experiencing and what a person needs for a peaceful death. These messages are described as "Nearing Death Awareness", not to be confused with "Near Death Experiences". Although similar, there are distinct differences: a near death experience happens suddenly as with a heart attack, whereas, in a near death awareness the person is dying slowly of a progressive illness such as cancer. The process is gradual where the person remains inside the body but at the same time is aware of a dimension that lies beyond. In some messages, the dying may even be aware when death will occur, giving loved ones a sense of comfort knowing the ill were not afraid of death itself. Other messages were the need to reconcile a relationship in order for death to happen, or to return to a place in the past, symbolic of happiness, giving them one more look. To know how to listen to these messages can help both loved ones and the dying in what to expect.
Readers Reviews
. . . I feel like I learned a "big secret" that mysterious thing called death. These two women deserve a medal. Thank you for soothing our broken hearts.
. . . I strongly recommend people begin reading this book as soon as they know death is possible instead of after they are gone.
. . . deeply compassionate and insightful. A much needed tool for anyone faced with these issues.
. . . I strongly recommend people begin reading this book as soon as they know death is possible instead of after they are gone.
. . . deeply compassionate and insightful. A much needed tool for anyone faced with these issues.
Related links
Two Weeks Directed, written and produced by Steve Stockman. Starring Sally Field, Ben Chaplin, Julianne Nicholson, Tom Cavanagh, Glenn Howerton, James Murtaugh, and Michael Hyatt. Based on the producer's own experience of his mother's last days of life. The story is centered around Anita (Sally Field) whose children are called home to North Carolina to be with their mother in her last dying days. But death is not as immediate as expected and the children find themselves trapped in the home for two weeks. They find themselves dealing with anticipatory grief and trying to pull themselves together as a family, as difficult as that can be at times. A movie with a tough message, we see the truth in what happens when you deal with this at home.
Viewer's Reviews
. . . the film covers the hospice care of the dying mother and the family. The daughter's need for constant instruction/explanation given by her vast collection of books dealing with the dying. Educational for those who have never traveled down this road before.
. . . the film addresses many issues - marriage, children, family, religion and individuality.
. . . a portrayal of family conflicts, old battles, anger at others and denial.
. . . true to life, that things can get messy and it may be sad, the way each person handles grief. Sally Field does a remarkable job of revealing mixed emotions in dealing with death.
. . . the film addresses many issues - marriage, children, family, religion and individuality.
. . . a portrayal of family conflicts, old battles, anger at others and denial.
. . . true to life, that things can get messy and it may be sad, the way each person handles grief. Sally Field does a remarkable job of revealing mixed emotions in dealing with death.
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